I know that most of you who read my blog don't really care to delve into the inner workings of adoption. But I think this recent post on another blog is a very important perspective on adoption. I like reading adoption blogs because there are few people in my life who can understand adoption on an honest level, (geez I barely understand it myself) and it isn't something I can talk easily about with others because it makes everyone uncomfortable. That's why I like this post...it states exactly why adoption is so hard to talk about it. Can't imagine I'll get many comments on this one. Don't worry I'll post cute happy family pictures again in my next post.
http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/adoption-conversations/
Mean Dream
8 years ago
11 comments:
Hmm. Hadn't really thought of it that way before. As a completely oblivious person with no experience regarding adoption, I would have to say this:
Obviously, in an ideal world, we would all rather be raised by the people who gave birth to us biologically. That just stands to reason. But, this not being an ideal world, I think that adoption is a wonderful way of turning lemons (for both sides - biological and adoptive parents) into lemonade. So, while I'm sure there are many aspects of adoption that are difficult (especially for children, who, at a young age can't really grasp why their "mother" couldn't raise them) I think that skewing adoption in a positive light is good. In fact, I think it helps everyone involved to be a bit more grateful. And that's not a bad thing. As the biological mother of my children, I'm sure that they would rather be raised by someone else at times, and in saying so, they are expressing ingratitude. Which, in cases other than abuse, is just plain unfair. Though I encourage my children to express their discontent openly, I also teach them to look on the bright side of things and not wish things were otherwise when there is so much that is good (that they are choosing not to focus on).
So much for not getting comments. I love the controversial stuff - because, as you know, I have an opinion on just about everything. :) You're awesome, Shannan. Can't wait to see you in September.
You are totally going to get my response to this:
I totally agree and that is a great article. I have lots of friends who have adopted, but we have all gone through completely different journeys to get there. No one can say "I know exactly what you are going through". My youngest is going through the stage of "I came from your (my) tummy". My 5 year old is as defiant as can be and seems to spend so much time in time-out or time-in, my 7 year old asked me the other day why her skin and hair is darker than mine and she is just starting to ask the adoption questions and my 8 year old is starting to understand it all a lot more, but he rarely asks questions. Some times it really scares me to think about the questions they will eventually ask, right now we can answer with pretty basic answers. I think I just take it one day at a time. I know I don't know exactly what you have been through or are going through, but I am more than happy to talk about adoption and/or adoption issues with you. You are doing an amazing job. It is funny looking back like 12 years, who knew that you and I would have the title "adoptive Mom" in common?
"So, while I'm sure there are many aspects of adoption that are difficult (especially for children, who, at a young age can't really grasp why their "mother" couldn't raise them) I think that skewing adoption in a positive light is good. In fact, I think it helps everyone involved to be a bit more grateful."
I'd like to point out that many adoptees who blog these days are *adults*, not children.
At one point we were children. However, many of us are adults and so we can see the grays of adoption, particularly the ethical areas.
A young child might be placated by "your mother gave you up because she felt she had no options", but later, as a young adult, that same person might say "Why did my mother feel she had no choices?"
This is where adoption becomes complicated and it cannot be silenced by merely pointing out how adoptees should be grateful for the positives. Adoption is far more complex than that, regardless of how one wants to "skew" it.
Yes, there are positives in adoption. But positives more often than not come from negatives to start off with. And it is these negatives that adult adoptees are trying to question, instead of being silenced.
I should also comment that perhaps your comment about being grateful may not have been intended in the manner that I interpreted it in.
"I think that skewing adoption in a positive light is good. In fact, I think it helps everyone involved to be a bit more grateful."
Everyone naturally wants to believe adoption is good, is what you are saying. You think it would benefit the adoptees if they'd just realize how many positives there are in adoption. I won't deny there are positives in it. But I also won't sit back and say "Well, since some bad things led to the adoption, which has resulted in a good life/family, the bad things don't matter."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that is what you meant to say rather than anything about being grateful for adoptees having been adopted. The bad doesn't matter because the results ended up being good, and it's just better to view it that way because the bad happened a long time ago and the good is where we are at now.
Basically, if adoptees realized just how many blessings they have by being adopted, maybe they'd be more grateful, is what people often like to say.
I find that incredibly dismissive.
Why?
Because the *effects* of the bad still shape how the good came to be. The good does not erase the bad - they co-exist together in a sense. The bad happened a long time ago, and the good is what is NOW, but the bad is not erased or diminished by the goodness, nor does it mean the bad should have happened because it led to the good happening anyway.
Adoption does have good aspects, yes. Adoption creates families, and adoption gives some adoptees better lives. That doesn't mean the results of adoption are over and done-with, and it doesn't mean the effects of adoption suddenly vanish in light of the goodness of adoption.
The bad doesn't necessarily outweigh the good, and the good does not necessarily outweigh the bad. They simply balance each other out.
Shannan, this makes me think about all the answers we give to our kids about all sorts of topics. We definitely answer things in a way that leads them in the direction we want them to go. Is that bad? Where is the line between teaching kids to think for themselves and teaching them to view things in the way we view them? Especially in terms of values, isn't that one of our jobs as parents?
Also, I don't know the back story with how you had Roy and then struggled with infertility. If you ever need a topic to post about, that would be interesting :)
Embarrassing! As I typed "Roy," I thought, that doesn't sound quite right. Sure enough, I went back to check and it's Ray. I am blushing right now. Sorry about that. Ray is a much cuter name than Roy!
I think there are going to be a million different opinions on the entire issue and most will be willing to die in their idealogical hill. I think every AP and adoptee is different and you just gotta take it as it comes. We all do the best we can with all of the complexities of life, however our children arrive and in whatever condition they come. I really look forward to explaining to Crew one day that Dex was needed in Heaven and he was left behind. Or that Dex was so pure that he didn't need to stay on earth... oh but I guess Crew did. Or something less scarring... You know what I mean. I mostly have what I want to say figured out, but WHO can guarantee how he is really going to FEEL in his heart of hearts?
Plus, I think people go through phases throughout their lives. As a child, I always fantasized about this awesome biological father that I had and sometimes I wish he really was that awesome daddy that I always threatened to run away to, but the fact is that he's a total loser. My adoptive father isn't any better, but I'm grateful that he kept me clothed and fed, which was more than my bio dad was able to do. I felt more nurturing from my bio dad because of the interactions that I remembered and built up in my head. As an adult, as I've tried to make sense of it all, I have chosen to just move on and not look back, focusing on my own family. Obviously my situation isn't the same as a child who has been fully adopted by a completely different family, but I still think that everyone's reaction will be different, and I think it will evolve over a lifetime. I think it is one thing as a child, another as a teenager, another as you think about starting your own family, and another as you raise your family. I expect my attitude may morph once again when I get much much older. I look at "family" a little differently than a lot of people because of my background. I surround myself with surrogate mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. To me "family" is who loves you, not who gave you their DNA and, frankly, not always who raised you. How that for an idealogical hill? :)
Thinking of you. I hope things are going well. Love, Meilani
Shannan, thanks for the post. I checked your blog today as a result of Suzie’s email to Chamber and am surprised that my first post to you would be about adoption. You and I have not spoken for 15 years but finding out that you are also an adoptive Mom makes me feel a special connection with you all over again. I have strong feelings on this subject... :) I hope to connect with you again soon and send you my prayers regarding what you're going through right now.
Having adopted the first 2 of my 4 children I understand the thoughts and feelings of this article. I've been an adoption advocate for 10 years now and I have come a list of 10 things I try to live by over past decade. I am a religious person but usually I keep my religious feelings & this list to myself. So to those of you who many not agree with my religious conclusions below I ask that you bear with me and find your own truth where possible. Sorry in advance for the length.
1.Children are God’s first, not mine. He loves them more than I understand and is looking out for them in ways that I can’t always see.
2.My 1st job as a parent is to teach/give my children all the tools they need to know to return to their Heavenly Father.
3.Adoption does not change #1 or #2; our stewardship/accountability is the same regardless of how they arrived in our care.
4.Adoption, although a sacred trust, should not be a secret. Secrets can have negative cogitations and be associated with things that are bad or not to been seen by others. Talk with your children about adoption in a sacred way and make sure that children understand that it’s not a secret. (For a bit more clarification…I feel sacred things are discussed with appropriate people in appropriate settings and are not shouted from the roofs to any and all that might be in the general area.)
5.Children can never have too many people who love them. Don’t let pride or fear allow you to block others from showering love on your children.
6.As adoptive parents we provide the rules and discipline for our children, don’t allow relationships with biological parents & extended family to blur this responsibility.
7.We are a family unit and anyone who associates with our family unit needs to love all of my children without prejudice. Biology cannot be allowed to become wall separating those we choose to love. (In our personal circumstances with open adoption this is applied to Birth-parents & Birth-Grandparents and their association with all of our children as well)
8.I don’t always see the big picture, luckily God knows that. He only asks that I trust his eyes and walk by faith. If I listen and remove pride/fear from myself the Lord will help me make the best decisions possible even though some of them will be uncomfortable and not always make sense at the time.
9.Don’t get caught up in the fear that adopted children will love their biological Mother more than you. Remember that you didn’t adopt them so that they would love you…you adopted them because you wanted to shower them with love. There isn’t a love shortage; they can love both you and their biological family. Give them permission to do this. Let them give their love freely to whomever they choose, ironically giving them this freedom usually makes them shower you with more love by choice.
10.Listen to your children when they have questions about their adoption, don’t allow them to fear that they will hurt your feelings if they say they miss their biological parents / country. Express to them that loving their biological family is a good thing and that it doesn’t change the love you share with them. Make sure they (and you) believe that there isn’t a love shortage and there is plenty of love to go around.
In a perfect world there would be no pain, sin, war or fertility problem, adoption etc. etc. etc.. But Earth is not yet perfect. Since it’s not we come up with 2nd best options to perfection that sometimes work and sometimes don’t. Adoption is usually a good thing that allows a child to be lifted to a new circumstance with parents who are better equipped/prepared to raise them at that time. It is my personal goal to apply my list of 10 things to all 4 of my children and in 20 years look back knowing that I did my very best for each of them.
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